I Hate Spam (not the fake pork, though I don’t like that either)

Posted by jon on April 14, 2009 in not so deep thoughts |

Spam is going to end the world! That’s right I said it. It may seem like nothing more than a moderate inconvenience now but just wait. Spammers are taking it to the next level. Does spam even work? How many mouth-breathers out there are clicking on every ad that pops up in their inbox? (As an aside, I just mistyped while writing. I put “poops up” in place of “pops up” and in the end I think the original is more appropriate) Perhaps they’re not getting mail from any real people so they think of the spammers as their friends. Wake up and smell the faint hint of burnt plastic in the air. That’s the computer folding under the stress created by tumults of spam.

It has to be a plot. We’ve already decided that spam is ineffective; I mean if you weren’t signing up for the online poker after the 1st 87 emails you’re not signing up after 44 more (hold out, be strong). It’s a plot to distract us. Just imagine some government data analyst somewhere is sent an email containing information crucial to homeland security (or something like that…fill in your James Bond moment here), but instead of saving the world our hero is up to his neck in spam mail about online poker, an African prince whose giving away money or some other meaningless drub! And that’s it, boom! We’re goners. Unless somehow we find a backdoor in the spam terrorists plot to take us down. There’s always a backdoor. I suggest we start with “jeff” and fan out from there. It’s just a thought.


Apologies to the readers, the preceding blog post was a result of over 500 spam emails/comment posts the author received in the past 12 hours. The hour plus deletion marathon combined with a piece of chocolate cake that, frankly, was obscene in size produced this rant. The author has assured all the appropriate powers that this will not happen again and has checked himself into a chocolate cake rehab center. He is currently resting comfortably taking the edge off with a coke and TiVo’d episode of Heroes. Again the author apologizes to all who were offended and he really hopes Peter gets his awesome powers back and stops whining about his brother. Thank you.

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