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Thanks, But We Need to Deal with This, Now!

Posted by jon on July 15, 2009 in not so deep thoughts |

First, let me start by saying thank you to everyone who had really nice things to say about the previous post concerning Tiff. For those wondering, no, I wasn’t in any kind of trouble nor was I trying to build up points so I could get something. I actually began writing that post several weeks earlier. It sat in my draft box forever because I kept adding to it and rewriting parts. The more I worked on it the more I realized that I it had become more than just a blog post. I was actually putting into words feelings that were too formative for words and it was much more of a humbling task than I ever thought possible. So I am very happy you all enjoyed it and thank you once more for the nice comments. I’ve had more hits on my blog in the last few days than ever so it  was fun to see it make the rounds. Alas, now all the warm and cuteness aside, lets get on with the foolishness.

Lockins are from Satan! There I said it. They are evil things and should not be permitted by any decent beings. As I stand on the precipice of another of these evil rites of passage for all youth workers, I find myself wondering who came up with this idea. Who was the genius who thought locking yourself into a confined space with a large number of other people was a fun idea. In most cases that is called prison! Alas, perhaps I overstate. The lockin is truly a unique event. It is the only thing I can think of that you dread as it approaches, you’re miserable after the fact, but it’s a lot of fun during the actual event.

If you’ve never been to a lockin, the basic premise is simple. Show up at the church one evening stay all night while playing various games and eating junk food, and go home as the sun rises on your foolishness. Now, I know what you’re saying…”awe, that sounds like fun,” and yes it does sound like fun but that is where the evil beast ensnares you. All you need to do is walk into a room of youth workers and simply say “lockin,” and you will see grown men cry, there will be gnashing of teeth and some will just curl up in a corner. Its evil and it must be stopped!

To accurately recreate the feeling of being the leader at a lockin do the following: About 8:30pm go to your living room, turn on the tv to an all infomercial network (the more of the late Billy Mays the better, or loop the shamwow commercial), and on the other side of the room play the stereo on a ridiculously high volume. Every couple hours, if it can be arranged, have someone set off an air horn an inch from your head or perhaps beat you with a wet sock. Place a chair exactly in the middle of the room, and begin squeezing your head in your hands for the next 12 hours. And don’t stop! Unless you’re stopping to consume gross amounts of unhealthy junk, then you’re free to do so as long as you eat enough to cause at a mild cause of heartburn (no Tums allowed!), and then get back to your squeezing. Now after 12 hours of this self-induced horror you should have a basic understanding of what lockins are for youth ministers. I’ve heard it said that lockins are how youth ministers punish themselves for their misdeeds in a scarlet letter type fashion.

I guess really what I’m trying to highlight with this presentation is that I don’t like lockins. Unless you’re reading this and I’ve asked you to help with said lockin. In that case they’re a lot of fun and I have just kidding around. If I’ve not asked you to help then its all true. Run! Run and hide your children!!! And by the way, what are you doing this Friday night?

God is everywhere.

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